A List

Behold, for the amusement of all our fine readers (yes, all three of you deserve a gold star because you totally win at life), the very first top 5 list on this blog.

The Top 5 list of stupid conversation topics by coworkers, without prompting:

Who you made out with/slept with/blew the night before.
Usually, the story is told by a female coworker who happened to hook up with what probably was a completely fug dude but will be described as a hot piece of ass the next day. I have only a few real friends at work whose lives I'm actually interested in but for some reason, it's the girls that I don't talk to and/or don't hang out with (and wouldn't want to. Ever.) that offer up these tales of whoredom.

Commonsense- don't talk up your slutty after-work life to someone whose last name you can barely spell.

The dream you had last night.
I doubt even your mother would care.

That rash/scab/pus filled pustule.
I'm a bit of a natural science nerd. My favorite book is Parasite Rex by Carl Zimmer. My favorite way to relax before bed is to listen to an audiobook by Dr. Richard Berendzen called Pulp Physics. People in my office know that I like science.

That section of gangrene on your leg? That's not science. That's a health hazard.

Telling me about that rash there or that strange cut that won't heal doesn't quite fall in the same category as say, a book on life's transformation from the first microbes 4 billion years ago to today's life forms. Forget category. If your bad bout of diarhhea is one universe and my interest in science is in another, it would take a million years before the creatures in my universe would notice that yours exploded.

Key takeaway? You're freaking me out. Stop that.

Your extensive workout routine.
...I'm really sorry for cutting you off mid-sentence, but I just realized that I don't give a rat's ass how many minutes you spent on the bike versus how many minutes you spent weight training.

How beautiful/shitty the weather is.
Thanks for letting me know how much you hate/like the weather today. I really hope we'll never have this conversation again.

-Signing off in Seattle

Fortune Cookie

My fortune cookie told me today that I will "deserve to have a good time after a hard day's work."

Wow. I am waiting with bated breath.

And for those that find meaning in the meaningless, here are my "lucky" numbers for today:

6, 15, 20, 30, 43, 47

My guess: I'll have an amazingly speedy 6 second average of responding to 15 asinine e-mails, while being pinged only every 20 minutes to answer 30 questions, leaving me a whopping 43 minutes to wrap up my over extended day so I can have 47 minutes of "good time."

-Signing off from San Francisco

Keep your happiness to yourself!!!!1!!!!!1!!!

In the past six months, our office has run through about four receptionists. Administrative assistants. Junior office managers. Uh, really, to me it's the person who is the Phone-answerer/Costco-orderer/Magazine-distributor. I don't mean that to sound disparaging. I've been in that seat and it's not a fun job. But you roll with the punches and make really mean comments in your head about the people who pass by you at the front desk to make the day go by faster. At least, that's what I used to do when I was a receptionist.

(Oh yeah- just because I had a smile on my face didn't mean I was thinking nice thoughts, people.)

The first receptionist we had, after our old one left, was effing FANTASTIC. Amy, wherever you are, I heart you. Come back, please.

Anyway-

Our latest gal Friday is a little bit, well, odd. And by a little bit odd, I mean, way fucking peculiar. Working in this industry, you start developing a sixth sense about people. Sure, first impressions don't always seal the deal for me but you know, when you thnk someone is funny, and not funny-haha but funny-weird, the first time you meet them odds are they probably really are that way.

When I first met this woman, I thought- oh yay, someone else to run away from in the hallways. I do need to perfect my jackass-dodging skills.

After hour two on the job, she started sending out emails with numerous exclamation points and quotes about being happy and cheerful. I think it was Elmore Leonard who said something like "You are allowed no more than two or three per 100,000 words." I translate that to mean, you are not allowed to use exclamation points, ever, in an office email or work document. And if you have more than 100,000 words in an email, STFU already.

The last thing I need on a Thursday morning after a late night out is to read, "Remember that a smile can go a long way for someone who’s feeling a little low, so keep those frowns upside down!!!!!" in an email about who's going to be out of the office next week.

I don't care what the unicorns and fairies tell you to write, keep it free of any requests to turn frowns upside down, thank you.

One time, I passed by her desk (fort) and she smiled at me and said, "I just hung up on two people today." Uh, I didn't ask or anything so aside from being incredibly inappropriate, it was weird that she just decided to volunteer that information to me without prompting.

Also- I didn't draft the contract but holy-effing-Christ-on-a-pogo, I don't think we hired you to hang up on people. In fact, I think we brought you on to do the complete opposite. That black piece of plastic with the handset and the numbered buttons was not made to be ignored. I know it's a shocker. Breathe, people.

Anyway, that was my long-winded way of saying we have a weird receptionist.

-Signing off from Seattle