There is no "I" in team...

...therefore the team SUCKS.

First of all, Happy Valentines Day! No seriously, I hope everyone had a great day today. I know I did.

The day started off with our lovely Operations team passing out glorious icing-laden cupcakes (or as I like to think of them, little bits of 'better than sex') to everyone in the office. I know, seriously, we have it good here. I like to fancy myself a vegan 23.99999 hours of the day but there was no effing way I was going to pass up having a cupcake for breakfast.

Anyway, about six hours later, someone sent out an email saying "Thank you" to the Operations team. It was absolutely well-deserved, yes indeed. And it needed to be said.

However, the twenty fucking emails that followed- all with little jokes and one-liners- were not needed. Fuck that. It may be 4:00 p.m. and we may only have an hour and a half left in the day but Shut. The. Fuck. Up. People.

Quit typing and step away from your keyboards. I don't care if you have to gnaw off your goddamn fingers to resist the urge to hit "Reply All" but I don't give a shit about what you have to say regarding those cupcakes from this morning. If you want to have a conversation (which clearly is the case), walk your ass over to the person who wrote the last email and speak to them. You are not witty, you are not funny and you are most definitely not amusing those of us who have to hit delete everytime Re: Cupcake Heaven appears in their inbox.

My coworker, who shall remain nameless, made some comment about me not being a team player. What the hell does being a team player have to do with being annoyed at the fact that I'm getting SPAMMED? You'd think if these people were really team players they'd shut their traps and quit filling my inbox with inane chatter about.... cupcakes.

I was so irritated that I took time out of my billable hours to rant. Clearly, those Re: Cupcake Heaven people aren't working either, are they?

-Signing off from Seattle

Holy Shit...You ARE Clueless

So for the past month or so I've been slaving away at a press release. Now, that may seem like quite some time, but it is almost unimaginable how many people have to take a look at the stupid thing and how many people have to provide their 2 cents. And how much effort it takes to put the smack down on people complaining because their lame nonsensical, parochial additions couldn't make it in. Anyway, that's a whole separate blogworthy topic.

So, for the past 2 weeks my team has been pitching the news from this release and working together on other collateral. This is all per the usual, blah blah nothing new. I walk over to the CE's (equivalent to AAE) cube and we are chatting about account activity and I mention the release. Her question to me is:

Stop. Prepare, because this is a good one.

"Oh, what press release are you working on?"

Silence. Lots of eye blinks. The only response I could muster up was, "Is that a serious question?"

-Signing off from San Francisco

Just a Quickie

This is similar, but not quite as asinine as questions from "Don't Believe What Your Mother Told You..."

A conversation that left me a bit baffled. After spending an unacceptable amount of time editing someone else's sub-par work...

Me: "This is much better please send out tonight."

Associate: "OK! Can I buzz you, I just want to make sure I send it to everyone I'm supposed to."

Me: Sigh. "Just send it to the same distro I sent the release out to."

Associate: "OK! Well, I'm not sure who that is."

Me: Pause. Hold sigh. "Look for my e-mail. If you can't find it I can just tell you."

Associate: "OK! Let me look."

2 minutes later...

Associate: "OK! I think I found it. Is it X, Y and Z?"

Me: Heavy sigh. Eye roll. "No."

-Signing off from San Francisco