Keep your happiness to yourself!!!!1!!!!!1!!!

In the past six months, our office has run through about four receptionists. Administrative assistants. Junior office managers. Uh, really, to me it's the person who is the Phone-answerer/Costco-orderer/Magazine-distributor. I don't mean that to sound disparaging. I've been in that seat and it's not a fun job. But you roll with the punches and make really mean comments in your head about the people who pass by you at the front desk to make the day go by faster. At least, that's what I used to do when I was a receptionist.

(Oh yeah- just because I had a smile on my face didn't mean I was thinking nice thoughts, people.)

The first receptionist we had, after our old one left, was effing FANTASTIC. Amy, wherever you are, I heart you. Come back, please.

Anyway-

Our latest gal Friday is a little bit, well, odd. And by a little bit odd, I mean, way fucking peculiar. Working in this industry, you start developing a sixth sense about people. Sure, first impressions don't always seal the deal for me but you know, when you thnk someone is funny, and not funny-haha but funny-weird, the first time you meet them odds are they probably really are that way.

When I first met this woman, I thought- oh yay, someone else to run away from in the hallways. I do need to perfect my jackass-dodging skills.

After hour two on the job, she started sending out emails with numerous exclamation points and quotes about being happy and cheerful. I think it was Elmore Leonard who said something like "You are allowed no more than two or three per 100,000 words." I translate that to mean, you are not allowed to use exclamation points, ever, in an office email or work document. And if you have more than 100,000 words in an email, STFU already.

The last thing I need on a Thursday morning after a late night out is to read, "Remember that a smile can go a long way for someone who’s feeling a little low, so keep those frowns upside down!!!!!" in an email about who's going to be out of the office next week.

I don't care what the unicorns and fairies tell you to write, keep it free of any requests to turn frowns upside down, thank you.

One time, I passed by her desk (fort) and she smiled at me and said, "I just hung up on two people today." Uh, I didn't ask or anything so aside from being incredibly inappropriate, it was weird that she just decided to volunteer that information to me without prompting.

Also- I didn't draft the contract but holy-effing-Christ-on-a-pogo, I don't think we hired you to hang up on people. In fact, I think we brought you on to do the complete opposite. That black piece of plastic with the handset and the numbered buttons was not made to be ignored. I know it's a shocker. Breathe, people.

Anyway, that was my long-winded way of saying we have a weird receptionist.

-Signing off from Seattle