The 5 Types of People I Hate on Planes

The title is pretty self-explanatory. I'm sure there are more than five types, so feel free to drop me a line or leave a comment adding to the list.

Disclaimer: I take sleeping pills before my flight and pop in my earphones as soon as I can on plane rides. It's not like taking a long drive in the country- usually, there isn't a pretty view to look upon, no rolling hills or deer frolicking in meadows. After you've seen one top-hat-wearing-rabbit-cloud, you've pretty much seen them all.

Hell, if I weren't me, I'd probably look at myself thinking, "Who does that iPod-wearing, blanket covered, pillow-using freak think she is? What a pretentious snot."

Airplane trips bring out the worst in everyone. Here are but a few examples:

1. The Constant Pisser
Don't pick the window seat if you can't hold your piss in for more than an hour. Seriously, you should know yourself well enough to pick the aisle seat if you have a bladder the size of a peanut. Or wear a diaper- I won't judge you. On the outside, anyway.

Unless you're in first class, it's unlikely that you'll be able to scoot past one or two people to get to the aisle, without them having to get up.

Incidentally, I don't mind getting up once or twice to let someone run to the bathroom. I mean, hey- on long flights, it's cool. I understand, when you gotta go, you gotta go. But you get a two pass (piaa?) quota before I start glaring at you, you fucking pissant.

2. STFU Already
I don't give a shit where you're from and I don't want to tell you where I'm from. That's how stalking gets started and I am on to you, Serial Killer Guy.

I am not on a plane ride because I want to meet people. The reason why I wear my earphones is to shut you and the rest of the passengers out of my head.

Don't tap me on the shoulder unless the plane is going down and you want to tell me to put my mask on. Don't start talking to me, forcing me to take off my earphones, just to tell me how much you hate plane rides and OMYGOSH you totally like my haircut and didn't I know, your neice has the same haircut and she...

3. Can't We Just Admit This Already? You're Fat.
I'm sure you guys have all heard this one and it does stir up some very heated emotions- I believe that if you can't fit comfortably in one seat, and there is some, um, spillage, you need to buy another seat. Or buy a first class ticket where the seats are bigger. It's your choice.

I know, I know, big people need to fly too. But let's just admit the fact that you can't fit in one seat. The airline company does not owe it to you to build bigger planes with bigger seats and when you buy a plane ticket, you are buying one seat for one person to sit in. Not one and a half seats. If you're spilling into my seat and I'm propelled out halfway, you should have to pick up half my tab.

It really is that simple. Yes, your feelings are hurt and I'm very sorry about that, but stop whining. It's a different story on the bus- I'm playing for transportation, not a comfortable chair. If you're fat and on the bus, then I don't care if you take up the entire bench- that's just tough shit for everyone else. On an airplane, where the ride is considerably more expensive and longer, you need to pay up.

4. Please Give Your Children Drugs
Parents who take children under three on long plane trips should have their own sound-proof section on the plane. Seriously, there should be some sort of barrier between them and people with ears.

No matter how good of a parent you are, no matter how sick you think your child-rearing abilities are, it's an inevitable fact that your child will cry and scream on a plane trip. There is a positive correlation between the intensity and length of a child's cry to the length of the plane trip. That's a fact; it's on the SATs.

Some parents drug their kids for plane trips and I fully support them. Some Children's Nyquil or something and the kid is an angel during the plane ride. Some parents don't care that their little Jane or Johnny is screaming up a bloody storm- those parents belong in a special hell. May their children grow up to be emotional messes, ungrateful brats or best yet, fans of early nursing home commitals.

(Please note: I don't blame the children. They're not the ones who bought the plane ticket, right?)

5. My Luggage Doesn't Fit? Whaaaa?
Airline rules and regulations are online, on print and sould be tattooed on your face, you jerk. If you try to bring on a bag that could fit a dead body in there, then it's too big. There's even a handy-dandy luggage measure before you board the plane.

There's no excuse, you giant fucking dumb ass. You're not being slick, you're just holding up everyone else by complaining. Let the nice steward or stewardess take your massive mini-planet of a bag and check it. Arguing will not help your case; in fact, it will only help the rest of the passengers on the plane identify and single you out as the person whose ass to kick once the plane lands.

So far, I've had three trips delayed by some piece of shit, entitled fuckhead who tries to sneak on the plane with a bag the size of a small country. If you need to drag something on a plane, it's too big.

Also, you are allowed two carry-ons. One piece of luggage and a bag or something. A giant fucking guitar case counts a third carry-on, as does a skateboard, electric keyboard, computer monitor and (yes, I've seen this) surfboard. Check it in, you douche bag.

Is it only coincidence that all three trip delays were because of guys?...

Sigh.

-Signing off in the Unfriendly Skies